I guess in a perfect world, I would just heal slowly, and eventually just feel like I can trust people again, and start to rethink some of the things I did wrong and look positively towards the future. I don't think that's possible though. As soon as I start being alone, I completely ignore my problems. It takes other people to make me revisit what happened and deal with it, otherwise I just think I'm perfect and fine. Well I've woken up and found how very much is still stinging inside of me. I mean, I didn't understand how much my parents have hurt me until I was sleeping at Narrabeen, and explaining to Ollie how one of the rooms was my Mums and the other was my Dads, and just this horrible feeling that I remember now, that relationships just don't work out sometimes. So I guess I started going out with Gordon last year, believing that it wouldn't work out anyway. I guess that's just a default position I keep going back to, over and over, not being able to believe... I guess it's at times like these I feel like I'm back to being dead, not believing in new life... That's the main problem with pessimism and the christian life I guess, because Jesus' resurrection calls us to believe that new life is possible, that being dead in our transgressions isn't the whole story. So sometimes I do want to go back to being dead. I just want to curl up and get away from everyone, refuse to live life and just hide. Cried on my bed just then, because I felt like I hurt so much, and at the same time it's been different than before. I do have hope I'm not entirely in despair any more. That's good I guess. I do feel sometimes like the gravity of other things just pull me in and I'm not really sure where I'm going any more, and that I'm going somewhere that I definitely do not want to be in. I guess I should go out today and do something, not just stay in my house and do nothing, feel so so dead..... But then I guess I'm just going back to my bed to cry.
But I do want to be a a new man "out with the old one, out with the old plan..."
We were dead in our transgressions.
So carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan
- Jars of Clay
